No Bricks Got Broken

Do you ever have one of those days? Dumb question, right? Okay, Wednesday started out like any other day. I had an appointment for a possible ear infection that afternoon.  As I walked to the doctor's office from my parked car I fell just two or three feet from the office doors. I somehow landed on my back and hit the back of my head hard on the bricks. It made an awful noise.  No one else probably would have heard it, but it loudly echoed inside my head. I lay there a few minutes trying to ascertain the extent of my injuries.  Legs still moved, no spinal injuries.  The hair on my head didn't feel wet, no bleeding.  I could move my limbs, no broken bones. Then I checked the bricks because I wanted to see if I cracked any of their bricks. with my hard head. (thats what everyone tells me.) Well now I had two reasons to see the doctor. Turns out I did have a minor ear infection. He checked mr for a concussion.  Glad I knew the day, time, date, and current president or he wasn't going to let me go home. As it was I wasn't allowed to drive home. and my head and elbow still hurt. (Somehow or other I hit my left elbow)

Acccommodating, Adapting, and Substituting

Interesting title you are thinking. Yes it is, however it took me several years to realize these ideas. I was just coming to terms with them but didn't really know how to describe them until the other day when I read an article by Marilyn M Willison in the Fall 2015 MS Focus magazine.

A short history will aid in your understanding.  I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was forty.  I took the cutting edge MS drug at the time and was able to function personally and professionally as if nothing was wrong for about six years. then moved into a less physical demanding job. It broke my heart and spirit to resign my commission as a police officer.  I worked a couple of years in an administrative position in my department. It was not a good fit and I  applied for a position in a state agency in our capital as an auditor.  I tried to recreate myself as a great auditor and manager.  After about fourteen years I was unable to perform that job because of the cruel MS monster. Fortunately, I had enough years to retire.

I was angry, hurt and probably not the easiest person to live with.  I was in my fifties and couldn't work. I felt alone all my friends and others my age were still  employed at the upper level of their careers.  Nobody to fish with, nobody to go to coffee or just hang with. I was not adapting to my new life. I was bored and had less income. My retirement paid only half the amount I had been making.  I had allowed my job to be my identity. A fiend suggested I start a blog about my experiences in my various police officer experiences and the "Sally Shield Says " blog was born.  It gave me a purpose and I could live on the streets through my posts. Physically I still struggled with trying to be the person I once was. I resisted using a cane and allowing others to help.I completed a rough draft of my first novel. It needs more work. I allowed personal issues to interfer with further work on it.

 For about a year I have been using a cane regularly. Its that or fall down or not be able to move, There are days I would not be able to walk ten feet without a cane because my legs don't want to move without using the cane and my upper body strength. I was adapting to what was needed for me to walk Several months ago I purchased a used recumbent three shell bicycle. An adult with a tricycle.  Tricycles are for kids, right? My balance is bad, thus a two wheeled bike was not an option. Its metallic red with a black seat and a basket in the back. I was able to ride around for fun and good exercise. I was substituting a trike for a bike. I was adapting to my abilities. A month ago I actually succumbed to buying a walker. Not one of those you see the "old folks" using with the tennis balls on the two front legs. I found a three wheeled walker, red metal flake frame, chrome forks, tires large enough to take anywhere. This I will use.  I still have issues with having a disability, but through accommodating, adapting and substituting I can do almost anything I ever could do. Often a bit slower, as the popular country song went "I'm not as good as I once was, but once I'm as good as I ever was". I like to think that at least.

I Am Finally Back

I think I am getting my life back on track. I have allowed personal and health issues get in the way of my writing and blogging, I will attempt to post daily. Notice the word try.

Lost Equilibrium

Anyway, the long and short of my ramblings heI haven't written in months in this or my other blog. My fledging attempt at a novel is sitting on my desk collecting dust. Why is this? Something occurred in my life, a change, this summer that caused me to loose my balance, my equilibrium so to say. Change is what life is about. If everything stayed the same our physical world and  humanity would cease to exist. At least how we know it.  Humans must mature through infancy, childhood and puberty before they mate and perpetuate mankind. Foliage must die in the winter before it is replaced in the spring with beautiful new foliage. Areas in drought do not produce crops and other plants, but after rains and the area changes to being moist the plants and the crops grow.

Enough of this simplistic discussion, but change is good. Why am I so reluctant to it? Why does change hurt so much? I have had several major changes in my life which I am sure we all have had. But most of them have hurt. A few have been welcomed, but at least for me the magnitude of the joy in pleasant changes never seemed to reach the magnitude of hurt in the perceived bad changes. Again I ask myself the constant question why? Why this? Why me? Why now?

Dependent on where one is in their spiritual journey one looks for a reason why the supreme power in which they believe would allow the things they experience to occur, asking what is the ultimate plan? How does this change fit in? Why can't they let me know why?

I find myself becoming more cynical and pessimistic because of change and I keep trying to resist that. Our relationship with loved ones is constantly changing  as they die, move away, or reject us. Our physical surroundings change because of employment relocation, change in physical mobility or various other reasons. Does that mean one can eliminate change by not loving other people? Not becoming attached to our environment? How about the change to our bodies. We see the changes in the mirror? We notice the things we can no longer accomplish mentally and physically? How would we ever avoid those? Not be born? That wouldn't work.
re is change is life. We need to embrace it and not resist it. I, as I assume most folks, cognitively know that, but are our feelings and attitudes are controlled more by our hearts, than our brain? In times of turbulence and change I reach for something constant, something familiar, something that has not recently changed. In the changes I've experienced in my lifetime friends and family were very supportive and tried to help, and were paramount in my acclamation to the change. Unfortunately, its been my experience and indicated in much of what I've read that change must be dealt with within ourselves. We as an individual need to learn to change our perspectives and our expectations.

I just had to articulate my life the past few months.  Trying to put feelings in words seems to help me.   If reading these words might help anyone who reads them, I am thankful. It would be interesting if any of my readers have any comments.

The Move

I apologize for not posting for such a long time. We were moving and downsizing.  I had always loved a large house and a relatively large yard to live in and maintain.   I used to actually like housework and yard work.  Guess MS might not be my only ailment. As my MS continued to worsen it got harder and harder to keep up.  Last month we decided it was time to quit home ownership (translation  - maintenance) and downsize and move into an apartment. Also travel had become an issue. Before I retired the location where we lived made sense because it was basically equal distance from both my partner's work and mine. Now that I don't drive to work why should she spend a large a mount of windshield time?

Everyday for the past month I have ben cleaning, packing boxes, loading and unloading boxes into and out of the car, and preparing for our garage sale. Of course we had movers move our big stuff. I get so tired these days to the point I can not finish a project because I no longer have the strength to stand. All of our stuff is out of the house we are selling and leaving, but the place we moved to is not yet completely organized. To make a long story short, my personality being what it is, I haven't been able to concentrate on writing on my next book or even in my blogs until all is in place and organized. I wish I wasn't that way, but I think its a bit late to try and reprogram myself. I just wish when my body  gets so exhausted it didn't take my brain with it. 

We had so much stuff. We went from a house about 2150 square feet to a 1350 square feet apartment. Pretty much all is organized in the new place except for the garage and hopefully that will be completed today.  I do think the new place will be less demanding on my body and I will have more time to write in my various venues.

This frustration of trying to accomplish things when my MS is unpredictable, frustrating and limiting has reinforced my desire to include in my books persons with MS and address their frustrations in how the disease affects them.